Our
daughter was in college when she came out to us. It was the mid-80s, a time
when news like hers was much less acceptable than it is today. (Thank goodness
for the change.) We were pretty typical in our response: “There must be some
mistake!” “You’re too young to really know what’s going on with your sexuality.”
“It’s the influence of some of your sorority friends who’ve had bad experiences
with guys.” “After all, you had boyfriends throughout high school. We remember
how upset you were when Jim started checking out other girls.” “Wouldn’t it be
a good idea to get some counseling about this?”
We
were upset, but we never had any thoughts of rejecting our daughter. We did
have fears about the impact that being gay might have on her vocational future.
Luckily, she wasn’t experiencing a call to ministry in our denomination. But
what about her interest in teaching? And of course, there were our selfish
concerns: “What will others think?” “What about grandchildren?”
Following
her graduation from college, our daughter moved to a big city with a large gay
community. There she made many male and female friends and has had an active
social life. Unlike some gay young people, she has not experienced problems in
the workplace because of her sexual identity. She even found a United Methodist
Church that openly welcomed members with different sexual identities and helped
her feel at home. We know that in a smaller place this scenario might have turned
out very differently, but we are thankful that her life has not been hampered
by prejudicial attitudes and unkind behavior.
Although
we did not struggle with loving and accepting our daughter, we did struggle
with our understanding of the nature of homosexuality. Was it a “choice” as
some would have us believe? Our daughter set us straight on this one very
quickly: “Do you think I would choose to live with all the complications and
potential problems of being gay?” Nope, we guessed not.
What
about the commonly held belief we both grew up with, that it was morally wrong
to be gay and that the Bible supports that belief? We have found biblical
studies that point out that the few verses of scripture condemning
homosexuality reflect mores that evolved over many years of biblical history.
Among them we Christians pick and choose those we wish to endorse and those we
wish to ignore. A few of them we still accept by outlawing such acts as rape
and incest. On the other hand, we reject other behaviors that were permitted in
the Bible such as prostitution and polygamy (Solomon’s 700 wives and 300
concubines), slavery, and the treatment of women as property. Then there are
all those statutes concerning the Sabbath and the many rules about food and
cleanliness that we pay no attention to.
It has become obvious to
us that the customs and rules of biblical times are not necessarily valid
guides for Christian ethical decisions. It is Jesus’ love commandment that
should guide us. It is his love ethic that should be used to filter decisions
about any and all behaviors. For him, God’s love trumped human customs. Thus he
defended his disciples when they were judged for breaking some Sabbath laws,
but spoke against divorce, which Jewish law allowed.
Today
our thinking about the issues surrounding homosexuality reflects what we
believe Jesus’ witness tells us: that we are to love God and neighbor as well
as ourselves. Does this mean that anything goes? Of course not. Jesus lived and
taught the kind of love that led him to a cross. It has led disciples of the
past and present to suffer for the sake of love. Think of those who stood up
against slavery, racial segregation, apartheid, or for women’s and children’s
rights. The truth is that Jesus never mentioned homosexuality, but he did apply
the love of God to untouchable lepers, outcast Samaritans, convicted thieves,
guilty adulterers, despised tax collectors, and many more. We can’t imagine his
response to our gay daughter reflecting anything other than the love of God.
